(While knee-deep in preparation for All Soles Day observances, I came upon this idea that was tiptoeing around inside my neuronal interweavings.)
Lately I’ve noticed that I’m not getting the amount of sympathy that I think I deserve. To correct this deficit, I want to share with you the results of a recent X-ray of my left foot, revealing the following pathos-worthy conditions.
Mild degeneration in my sesamoid apparatus
I have worked to build up this structure in my foot, ingesting a cup of sesame seeds daily for the past 36 years. Apparently my apparatus-strengthening efforts have not had their desired effect. Worst of all, I don’t know any more whether to trust my nightly application of Dr. Skystisistis’s Sesamoid Regenerating Lotion!
Small calcaneal spurs
After many years of spur exercises, mine are still SMALL! How can I face any of you whose calcaneal spurs are admirably large? (I am considering changing my footwear to hide his embarrassing lack of spur development.)
No periostitis
We all know how periostitis can add glow to our feet and our personalities. You can imagine how chagrined I was to find out that I have zero periostitis—probably indicating that my feet have no personality!
Midfoot structures are unremarkable
All my life I have hoped to deserve remarkable-hood! Now I learn that, at my midfoot, I am unexceptional! Can you understand how this condition unravels any shreds of my self-worth that remain after learning about all these other pitiable conditions?
POSTSCRIPT: I hope you can also see how hypochondriac predilections could lead me down the rabbit hole of pseudo-soulful self-pity. Not good for a guy who claims “Happy to be alive!” as his mantra!
Footnote 1: The bottom of my lower left limb is fine!
Footnote 2: My sense of humor? Always pitiful….
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