I enjoy leisurely conversations with other elders. Sometimes in our chats, a word or phrase can suddenly become unavailable. The mutual sharing can come to a halt. One among us seems caught in temporary forgetfulness. At those moments, embarrassment can insert itself into the relationship. When that phenomenon lasts for more than a few seconds, the rest of us wonder: “How can we help?”
One answer: We wait until Melvin remembers the name of our mutual friend from 25 years ago. Assured that the memory will eventually be recalled, we linger in silence—and Melvin gets even more nervous, further impairing his memory.
I think there’s an alternative way of thinking and behaving in these moments, one that seems more positive and helpful: Becoming partners in the process of recall. By questions or short prompts, helping the forgetful person find the right syntactical clues that can bring the memory forward. Projecting a spirit of mutual discovery among us. Shifting from humiliation to appreciative, shared efforts. (As in, “Let’s see if we can reconstruct that memory together!”) With that attitude—and applying those conversational skills—we bond with the momentarily forgetful person, surrounding them with the truth that remembering is always a group project, always dependent on others. When we don’t remember, we’re not alone.
Cognitive decline may eat at our self-concepts, but we can counter its effects with friendship, discovery and surprise. We can push aside others’ imagined ineptitude, instead joining our brains and spirits in a partnership that reconstructs what was momentarily lost. This is the approach I take when others’ memories come up short. When my memory is momentarily challenged, I also appreciate the kind efforts of conversational partners.
Because it’s something we do together, this approach can help remembering become something pleasurable!
I hope so….
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rely conversations with other elders. Sometimes in our chats, a word or phrase can suddenly become unavailable. The mutual sharing can come to a halt. One among us seems caught in temporary forgetfulness. At those moments, embarrassment can insert itself into the relationship. When that phenomenon lasts for more than a few seconds, the rest of us wonder: “How can we help?”
One answer: We wait until Melvin remembers the name of our mutual friend from 25 years ago. Assured that the memory will eventually be recalled, we linger in silence—and Melvin gets even more nervous, further impairing his memory.
I think there’s an alternative way of thinking and behaving in these moments, one that seems more positive and helpful: Becoming partners in the process of recall. By questions or short prompts, helping the forgetful person find the right syntactical clues that can bring the memory forward. Projecting a spirit of mutual discovery among us. Shifting from humiliation to appreciative, shared efforts. (As in, “Let’s see if we can reconstruct that memory together!”) With that attitude—and applying those conversational skills—we bond with the momentarily forgetful person, surrounding them with the truth that remembering is always a group project, always dependent on others. When we don’t remember, we’re not alone.
Cognitive decline may eat at our self-concepts, but we can counter its effects with friendship, discovery and surprise. We can push aside others’ imagined ineptitude, instead joining our brains and spirits in a partnership that reconstructs what was momentarily lost. This is the approach I take when others’ memories come up short. When my memory is momentarily challenged, I also appreciate the kind efforts of conversational partners.
Because it’s something we do together, this approach can help remembering become something pleasurable!
I hope so….
To receive these entries when they are posted, go to the upper right hand corner of the top banner and click on the three dots or parallel lines. Scroll down to the subscription form and enter your information.)
